tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
