What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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