i love accidental penises.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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