She said her name was "party"
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
