There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
