I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
