mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
