I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
