Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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