I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
