I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
