her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
