im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
