I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
