I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just cropdusted the office
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
