Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
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Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
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IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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