Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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