The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
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