Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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