We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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