How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
