Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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