I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
