Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
