Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
