My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
