I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
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College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I believe in your delicious
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I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
false alarm, still single
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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