This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
