Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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