i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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