What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
