if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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