I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
