I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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