Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
