The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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