I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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