Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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