hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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