Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
