whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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