Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
