My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
