get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
