If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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