this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
