just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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