just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
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I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
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I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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