She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
