shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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