in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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