I think my fart just growled at me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
