I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
