There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
