Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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