Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room