M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???