How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
21 People That Had The Worst Birthdays Imaginable
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?