How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
