matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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