i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
NoShamevember. You game?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
