so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
