so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
