I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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