it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize