I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
