I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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