***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
