Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
