Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
