suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
